The following account was graciously shared by Barbara. You may find yourself in the lines of this post. And you will know you are not alone in your struggles. Thank you Barbara, for sharing this! Dear All, I have appreciated so much the thoughts of encouragement being shared with me. I thought I would share with you some reflections I have written down. Maybe something will sound familiar...maybe something will make you laugh and hopefully something will inspire. Wishing you all the best of everything in our efforts to go forward. Sincerely, Barbara 02/17/00 SOME REFLECTIONS What an amazing time. I witness the strength that has been mustered up within me to cope, and I am in awe. My heart and soul have been strengthened immeasurably. Spiritually I am stronger than ever. I've got to be; I "walk the plank" into the unknown every day. Each appointment I go to presents more challenges beyond the ones it took me to cross by just going to them. I find strength by reflecting on what I have already been through, and survived. And yet when I do think about the details, it is overwhelming, and even more so when I think about the others everywhere who are doing it as well. Physically at my lowest ebb imaginable; I have now had 7 chemotherapy treatments since September (99) with one more to go!! I will have had 3 surgeries since August and am preparing to have myself permanently tatooed for Radiation therapy. I have curtailed my intake of vitamins, necessary even under normal circumstances to help my body re-generate, because it is unknown how they may or may not adversely interact with the Treatments. I have had umteen Blood Tests when even the thought of having one was a major event. I rattle off the names of medications as if I were a fully registered nurse. I have stopped counting the number of shots I have had in the last 6 months. Neupogen and Epogen shots have become a god-send now, when even one injection used to be viewed with a fear unimagined. I even look forward to the warm towel on my arm my nurse has devised to comfort me. I have had umteen physicals by surgeons, oncologists and their residents and there doesn't seem to be any end in sight, in the near or far distant future. I have even come to rate their touch 1 - 10 and I only hope their hands are warm. Once I feared mammograms and ultrasounds and now I only hope they will accurately picture my well-being. I have lost hair that I didn't even realize I had. I have come to appreciate my husband's cooking as "gourmet". A great day is one that includes a night of sleep without interruption. I am told about a treatment, listen to all the warnings as they are methodically described to me, and I sign up knowing that no matter the dangers, I must take the chance whatever it is. I am pitted against an unknown enemy, and anything that can possibly help is a chance I cannot afford NOT to take. When I look in the mirror, I hardly recognize who I see with or without a wig. I am told I look well and I say to myself "Yes, I'm still standing!!" I look into my eyes and ask myself where I would be if I hadn't realized long ago that the purpose of life was a spiritual path. I take on this project that asks me to focus day to day on my physical well-being, and demands every ounce of my heart and soul to stay the course. February 12, 2000 Psalm 31:14-15a, 24 But as for me, I trust in Thee, O Lord, I say, "Thou art my God." My times are in Thy hand. Be strong and let your heart take courage, all you who hope in the Lord.